How Do I Get On Better with My Teenager?

Stop and think
When your child does something hideous, like shouting that they hate you, you are ruining their life, or hurling abuse your way, your equilibrium can quickly slip away. Like the under-toe in a rip tide, they suck you right down into the muck.

My advice: don’t fight it or you’re sure to exhaust yourself. Doing nothing until you’re both calm enough to discuss the problem and come up with a decent solution is so much better than getting involved and behaving equally appallingly.

Listen
If you want to get on better with your teenager, by far the best thing you can do is to listen and try to understand them. If you can manage to listen without being critical or advising them what to do, they’ll feel you love and understand them, and far closer and better connected to you. I realise listening without telling them how they should think or be is VERY difficult, but it really will work wonders!

Appreciate
Another good way to get on better with your teenager is to try to be kind. Let them know you notice when they do the right thing, even if it’s just a quick nod or a thumbs up. If they feel you appreciate them, they’re far more likely to feel you’re on the same side.

Look After
Let them sleep. One of the reasons teenagers can be so foul is they’re on permanent jet-lag. Studies show their sleep patterns really are out of sync with our own; that’s why they tend to stay up so late and sleep in so long. Hormonal changes also make them tired and disagreeable. Knowing this is the case, your best bet is NOT to take what they say personally.

The haphazard teenage diet can also add to the troubles. Most of us feel awful when we’ve eaten a pile of junk, and our teenagers are 99% sure to eat a pile of rubbish while they’re out and about. So it’s up to us to try to swing the pendulum in the other direction by making sure what they eat when they’re home is decent, proper food.

Cooperate
So many arguments with teens are because they feel the need to break free and do their own thing sooner than we feel they should. Instead of immediately saying no when they ask for something you feel is absurd, like going to a party and coming home in the wee hours, go in with the aim to compromise.

Discipline

• Teenagers certainly need law and order, but try being heavy-handed about it and you’re sure to be right back at square one despite all your efforts to get on better. Here are some ways to get teenagers to do what they need to do without a huge argument:
• Tell them ahead of time what the plan is and their part in it. Though they may moan up front, the more they know what to expect the better behaved they’re likely to be. Springing things on them at the last minute can be a disaster! (Btw – this isn’t a one-way street – they also need to tell us ahead of time what they expect of us – when they need to be collected from where, when they need to be somewhere).
• When you’re calm, tell them how their behaviour makes you feel: ‘When you speak to me the way you did earlier in front of my friends, it makes me really angry. It’s embarrassing for both of us.’
• When you need their help and they refuse, simply tell them that if they don’t help you, you’ll be less inclined to help them when they want a favour from you in the future – like when they want extra money, a lift or to invite friends round.

Remember to breathe and good luck!